rottweiler7575's Blog

1.) Should I get a dog......?

Or...

 2.) Should I have children?...

Something to think about !!!

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The Redneck Dictionary of Medical Terms

Benign.............................What you be after you be eight.

Artery.............................The study of paintings.

Bacteria...........................Back door to cafeteria.

Barium.............................What doctors do when patients die.

Cesarean Section...................A neighborhood in Rome.

CATscan............................Searching for kitty.

Cauterize..........................Made eye contact with her.

Colic..............................A sheep dog.

Coma...............................A punctuation mark.

D & C..............................Where Washington is.

Dilate.............................To live long.

Enema..............................Not a friend.

Fester.............................Quicker than someone else.

Fibula.............................A small lie.

Genital............................Non-Jewish person.

G.I. Series........................World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail...........................What you hang your coat on.

Impotent...........................Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain.........................Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff......................A Doctor's cane.

Morbid.............................A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates...........................Cheaper than day rates.

Node...............................I knew it.

Outpatient.........................A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear..........................A fatherhood test.

Pelvis.............................Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative.....................A letter carrier.

Recovery Room......................Place to do upholstery.

Rectum.............................Damn near killed him.

Secretion..........................Hiding something.

Seizure............................Roman emperor.

Tablet.............................A small table.

Terminal Illness...................Getting sick at the airport.

Tumor..............................More than one.

Urine..............................Opposite of you're out.

Varicose...........................Near by/close by.

Copyright © 1997-2008 Michael Boyd Clark

Hope this puts a smile on your face

Most of the American populace thinks it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control kids when they have one of 'those moments.'

One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.
 
Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc.
 
Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together.  Eye to eye contact helps a lot too.
 
I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.

 

 

 

 
This works with grandchildren, nieces, and nephews as well

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Wal-mart in Arkansas.
They hired him because he was so funny.....

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Bastard)
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION:  Company's President or Vice President.  But seriously, whatever's available.   If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place
DESIRED SALARY:  $185,0 00 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package.  If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD:  Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY:  A lot less than I 'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:  My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:  Any.
PREFERRED HOURS:  1:30-3:30 p.m.  Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:  Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment .
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:  If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:  Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:  I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?:  On the job - no!  
                              On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.  Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:  Oh yes, absolutely.
   ***Old People Rock!

 

This guy has a great sense of Humor  !!  To bad they don't keep it after getting the job..

They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail

 

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I Gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor. She became indignant and informed me she was Educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back, same scenario!

 

I departed the store with the $46.64.

 

 

I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon

or a Grande Late. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already buy-one-get-one-free," she said, "so I guess they're both free"

She handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door.

 

They Walk Among Us!

 

One day I was walking down the beach with some Friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked Up at the sky and said, "Where"?

 

They Walk Among Us!

 

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real Estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for some time, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff."

 

 

They Walk Among Us!!

 

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said "Pacific".

 

They Walk Among Us

 

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

 

They Walk Among Us!

 

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

 

They Walk Among Us!

 

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?"

 

They Walk Among Us!

 

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

 

Yep, They Walk Among Us, and they Reproduce..

 

and Worst of all .

 

THEY VOTE

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Wal-Mart has everything!
 
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell.. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'

'Listen, you don' t have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.

'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what 's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor.'

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

Man Rules­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear ' the rules '
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1 'ON PURPOSE!


1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1.. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself..

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default set tings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you sa y 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong..
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, E xpect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.

1 You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping..

Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -
to give them a bigger laugh.

I have noticed more and more businness using their outdoor sign to bring a smile to your face while delievering a message, take this KFC sign.

Then there is the sign outside of this Versailles Pa , Restaurant, which seem to making its owner more money than the Food. you can view all the pictures by going to my photos

You can go to  WWW.CASADICE.COM to see more too, Enjoy have you seen any good ones????

The Box Under Bill & Hillary's Bed

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, 'I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.'

In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box was 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.

She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner.

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, 'I am so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?'

Bill thought for a while and said, 'I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.'

Hillary was shocked, but said, 'Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex,  I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem.'

Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, 'So why do you have all that money in the box?'

Bill answered: 'Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash.

And she is Standing By Her Man..........hehehehehe

Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........

////////////////////////////////////////////////////
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////
/////////////
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.

-------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------
---
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////
////////
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.

####################################################
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

*******************************************************
*************************
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////
////////
We have been friends for a very long time ..

let's say we stop?

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.

=====================================================
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay

 

Do you ever have a bad day at the office ????

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before
Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that
your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
" We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each
other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of
this," She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father:

"You are NOT getting divorced". Don't do a single thing until I get there.
I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.
Until then,don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife "
Okay," he says,"they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way!!!"

One way to get your Kids home for the Holidays......LOL