candy

IF YOU REPEAT THESE SENTENCES OVER AND OVER...........HEY..........YOU MAY JUST LEARN.........ENGLISH.........THOUGH IT MAY BE IMPROPER...........I WILL TAKE IT

 

Spanish Words of the Day: < br> &n bsp;
1. Cheese 
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito 
Replies: Maria likes me, but Cheese fat. 
 
2. Mushroom 
When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom. 
 
3. Shoulder 
My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I Shoulder. 

4. Texas 
My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at! 
 
5. Herpes 
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes. 
 
6. July 
Ju told me ju were going to tha stor e and July to me! Julyer! 
 
7. Rectum 
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum! 
 
8. Juarez 
One day my gramma slapped me and I said, ' Juarez your problem?' 
 
9. Chicken 
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself. 
 
10. Wheelchair 
We only have one enchalada left, but don't worry wheelchair 
 
11. Chicken wing 
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing 
 
12. Harassment 
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment Nothing to me. 

13. Bishop 
My wife fell down the s tair so I had to pick the bishop 
 
14. Body wash 
I wan t to go to the club but no body wash my kids 

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes
the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle
it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and
she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM .

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the
Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws
open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole
line is backing up, putting the entire production line
behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for
himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there
are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're
really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains
of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush
red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece
of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to
carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself
together and approaches Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,
'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you
yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

 You are the way you are because that's the way you want to be.    "For as he thinks within himself, so he is"  Proverbs 23:7

I have enjoyed this over and over.............please........I hope you enjoy it as  much as I HAVE OVER AND OVER AGAIN........................truly amazing..............ANIMALS ARE JUST GREAT.........if not better than humans.

 

http://www.familytiez.com:80/video/gin.htm

and this is what I get for my generosity....too bad the image didn't show......lol

Christmas is tight this year.
 
My dear friends,

Somewhat embarrassing to admit, I'm not getting an annual bonus and Christmas is tight this year.

I will be making bedroom slippers for you all as gifts. Please let me know your sizes.

You'll most likely agree that it's a splendid idea, and should you wish to do the same, I've included the instructions below.
 
How to make bedroom slippers out of maxi pads:

You need four maxi pads to make a pair.
Two of them get laid out flat, for the foot part.
The other two wrap around the toe area to form the top.
Tape or glue each side of the top pieces to the bottom of the foot part.
Decorate the tops with whatever you desire, silk flowers (this is most aesthetically appealing), etc.

These slippers are:
* Soft and Hygienic
* Non-slip grip strips on the soles
* Built in deodorant feature keeps feet smelling fresh
* No more bending over to mop up spills
* Disposable and biodegradable
* Environmentally safe
* Three convenient sizes: (1.) Regular, (2.) Light and (3.) Get out the Sand Bags.

Awaiting your response. It's crucial that I get the right size for each one of you.



 

can anyone guess who is the writer of this.............SHE'S FAMOUS..SOME OF US WANTED HER FOR PRESIDENT.................................she's hysterical

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and cratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull .... But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --


Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....
either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

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  SAD NEWS

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma Complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities
turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack,
the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain
Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as 'a man
who never knew how much he was kneaded.' Doughboy rose quickly in show
business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not
considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked
schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he was still considered a
crusty old man and a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, and three children: John Dough,
Jane Dough, and Dosey Dough, plus, they had a bun in the oven. He is also
survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held for about 20 minutes at 350.

 

with so much bad news lately......isn't it time for Sharing a Funny.........go ahead laugh

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CUBAN MOTHERS! However, she wasn't really Cuban she was Lebanese. So Imagine that........talk about communism...in my house. However, I give anything to have my mother and father AGAIN.........................I miss you so much.

The great things my Mom taught me: My mother taught me

about RELIGION - "Pídele a Dios que yo no te agarre."

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION - "Deja que lleguemos a la casa, BLEEP!"

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS ? "Mal-agradecido, cuando yo era chiquita no tenía nada!"

 My mother taught me about LOGIC ? "Cómo que por qué? Porque Si!"

My mother taught me about INSPIRATION- "Si llegas con malas notas te voy a hacer comer la chancleta"

My Mother taught me about WISDOM- "Tú crees que >te lo sabes todo y no sabes ni limpiarte el culo!"

My Mother taught me about CONFUSION - "BLEEP la Madre que te parió!" (Wait,

 isn 't that her?) Que vivan las Madres Cubanas!!! 

False words are not only evil in themselves, but they infect the soul with evil.

— Socrates

To you, my friends...

 

A Beautiful Woman
Be Sure to read about Audrey Hepburn at the end
Now I lay me down to sleep          I pray the Lord           My shape to keep.  

Please no wrinkles        Please no bags             And please lift my butt            Before it sags.  
                       
Please no age spots      Please no gray         And as for my belly,       Please take it away.  
                    
Please keep me healthy       Please keep me young!  And thank you Dear Lord
                     
For all that you've done.
                     


                 Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on! And doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.


Foot Note:

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
'If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts.'




Did you know that it's Beautiful Women Month?

Well, it is and that means you!!

I'm supposed to send this to FIVE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN,

and you are one of them!!

Below is a wonderful poem Audrey Hepburn wrote when asked to share her 'beauty tips.'  
It was read at her funeral years later.


For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.

For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.

For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.

For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day.

For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.

People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone.

Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms.

As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands;

one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others.

  "The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the
inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of miseries.".
- Sir Winston Churchill  

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto.   

However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband.  

The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs.  

She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.

Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken

and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts.  

The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.  

Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

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What were you thinking?   
Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!

I don't know about you sometimes!

you GUYS ARE TOO FUNNY..............it is not ONLY HISPANICS....that can't speaketh the English...............there are many...........way too many too count.......Wonder if Barack has a law to implement THE ENGLISH ONLY IN AMERICA..................that would be an interesting debate.....ya think

§ Original List:
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
§ What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1.Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
§ What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car…J
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I 'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
§ What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't t retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
§ What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
§ What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

This is truly amazing.............MY LORD..........its just so humane...

 

AN AMAZING photo of a Chihuahua fetus. No, really.

 

This morning while hubby was putting on his pants both legs at the same time to mark his superiority to common man, he ripped them. They were good pants. I guess it was inevitable; he was Icarus flying to close to the sun.

Learn from his mistake: Put your pants on one leg of a time just like everyone else. There’s a reason they do it that way.  I don't want this to happen to anybody else.

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"True" Friendship

None of that Sissy Crap

Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, But never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card-

Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against

the BLEEP bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you got laid.

4. When you are scared -- I will take the BLEEP out of you about it, every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whinging.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy BLEEP.

9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask;

"because you are my friend".

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.