Well, Peeps, I've been very busy lately, especially after recently receiving the 2008 Street Person of the Year Award from the folks at Street-People.com. Yes, that's right, I won an award, and not only that, but they nominated me for President of the United States too!!! So, drop by my My Space page and cast your vote. McCain, and Obama haven't even gotten any votes yet, but I running neck and neck with the Chicken Caesar Pita, so I need all your help!!! Tell your friends to vote too! In fact, copy and paste this message and send it to everyone in your email address book. It'll only take you a few quick seconds.
However, and more to the point, I wanted to be sure to pass along this message for your review as it contains my presidential platform, just so we can all be sure we're on the same page. Check it out, and let me know what you think! And, don't forget to VOTE!! We have less than six months to make this happen, so let's get busy!!!
______________________________
June 2008
Written By:
The Boxman
Of Street-People.com
Gabe Newman's Presidential PlatformTired
of Presidential politics? Obama and Hillary bumming you out? Then let's
talk about a real bum – Gabe Newman. Gabe is a unique street person.
Prior to winning our 2008 Street Person of the Year award he had a
dream to rise above his condition of living in his late model American
made car and be one of the most recognized men in America, live in a
big mansion, have men fear his power and women desire him as he sets
the tone of American culture.
Gabe wanted to be our
generation's Hugh Hefner. Recognizing that he needs a stepping stone to
launch this campaign, he has agreed to use his media exposure as Street
Person of the Year, for the good of our country, and run for President.
His thinking is based on all the other bums running for office... "Why not put a real bum in the White House?"
If you think about it (but not too hard, and preferably after you have had a beer or four) it all makes sense.
Gabe
is unemployed. Or, as he expresses it, he is pursuing his dream job;
but it is not impacting his revenue streams in a manner that creates a
slightly, positive cash flow. Thus, he ends up relying on the American
system of social services, the generosity of the common man, and the
free peanuts in bars to exist.
Yet, he has a plan to free
America of this burden, and the burden of others like him. Elect Gabe
Newman as President with your write in ballot this November!!
Your tax dollars are paying for both the White House and Social
programs that assist people like Gabe so why not put a street person in
the White House, then you can save the budget dollars because he will
be employed and have housing? I am pretty sure he can do just as good a
job as President Bush.
To
help make your choice even easier Gabe, has developed his own platform
of issues and promises. Screw bogus stimulus packages that were proven
not to work over 40 years ago, or Universal Health Care that will be
squashed by the drug and insurance company lobbyists. Gabe has programs
and promises that may not make you better off in four years, but are
sure to distract you from how crappy everything is currently.
Here is Gabe's set of promises that he scrawled on a bar napkin and passed to me to share with you:
1.
Hef & Gabe's birthdays will be named federal holidays by executive
order. The German's get six weeks off a year and we all are blowing at
least two days a year looking at stuff on MySpace at work anyway.
2.
Liven up those boring House meeting and debates by adding "The House
Hotties" a cheerleading team comprised of one cheerleader from every
state. Just like pages but in skimpy outfits and they will have their
own calendar for sale the proceeds of which will help to erase the
national debt.
3. Beer & Gin added to the list of food
staples and are now tax free just like bread. Plus WIC coupons may now
be used to purchase these items.
4. All newspapers must have a
centerfold. English newspapers have the Page 3 girl (if you don't know
about this journalistic soft-core porn check it out) and our papers
have nothing creating a "Hot chick gap" that must be closed.
5. ESPN must be included with all cable and satellite TV packages free of charge. .QVC and Home Shopping channels are banned or must share a channel with Telemundo.
6.
Every man, woman and child in this great nation gets to bitch slap one
of the following celebrities of their choice, one time: Tom Cruise, Any of the ladies on The View, Matt Lauer, Oprah, or any male performer that has ever appeared on American Idol.
7.
People who drive with their hazard lights on or can't remember to turn
off their turn signal are allowed to be run off the road by other
drives and the offending driver has to pay to have any damage done to
your car in the process of running them off the road to be repaired.
8.
No more mixing of two breeds of dogs and giving their offspring cute
names like Puggles. They have a name for dogs like that and they are
called Mutts.
9. Congressional hearings into if Lindsey Lohan, Brittney Spears, and Jessica Simpson had boob jobs and why cute Kate Hudson has not.
10. Barry Bonds record removed from the record books.
11.
National Health Care for everyone. Unfortunately it will consist of
Gabe's mom coming to your house, feeling your forehead and saying "You
don't have a fever. Go to school/work and you will feel better by
lunch."
12. National Job Program: 5 cent deposit on all water
bottles, soda bottles, and beer bottles spurring people to pick up all
that are thrown onto the side of the street and redeeming them for
money.
13. Education Program: Students attending schools of
Massage (especially those that teach how to give a Happy Ending),
Exotic Dancing, and Casino Worker Training are now eligible for Pell
Grants because those guys in India are going to end up with all the computer and call center jobs and you can't export Happy Endings.
To achieve these lofty goals our candidate needs your help. If Obama can raise $280 million on the internet and Hillary can loan herself $20 million, we hope you can spot Gabe a $Dollar so we can launch a media blitz to announce Gabe's run for the presidency.
This
is not a donation, it has no tax deductable status, and there is no big
operation behind all this except Gabe and The Boxman. We are trying to
panhandle our way into The White House. So, hit the PayPal button and
give us a dollar. Want to do more drop us an email at streetpeople@gmail.com
offering your services to promote our candidate. If you think we are to
proud to beg, than you really have not been reading this website.
GN'08 GN'08 GN'08 GN'08 GN'08 GN'08 GN'08 GN'08 GN'08 GN'08 GN'08 GN'08 GN'08 GN'08 GN'08 GN'08 GN'08 GN'08 GN'08 GN'08
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